This is actually a re-post of an article that I originally wrote on Wrongplanet.net. I wrote this before I had created this blog, and after changing my setting on Wrongplanet to link to here, I could no longer find the blog on Wrongplanet.
Anyways, I finally found it again, but it was so "hidden", i decided to re-post it for those of you who follow my blog.
Misreading social cues.....are you sure?
posted at 05:21 am on 09-15-2008
Well, I suppose it would only be appropriate to start off by saying that, I am not good with the "chitter-chatter" stuff, so I'll just get straight to the point.
I've been reading a lot since I found out about AS, and have noted that, it is the general consensus that, Aspies have problems understanding social cues.
Personally, I think this is erroneous, at least, for me it seems to be.
Not because I don't have issues with social cues, I do, but its not that I am missing them, but rather I am not receiving enough of them.
This "theory" came to be, when celebrating my wife 32nd birthday, we went out to a local restaurant with some friends. My wife's girlfriend brought a date with her. He was not aware of the fact that I have AS, or what it means to have AS.
As the course of the evening went on, during our various discourses, our friend's date, would, in my opinion, seem to mock me regarding things I said, and/or did. He was not cruel, nor do I believe his intentions were to be cruel, but rather, (and I think this might be an NT thing), an attempt on his part to feel less awkward, by using sarcasm, and "teasing humor" to set the tone of the evening.
After the evening was over I questioned my wife about this, and she confirmed he was indeed teasing me over the social cues that I "missed", but that his intentions were harmless.
At this point, I realized that, I had not missed the cues at all, as I did believed that he was teasing me. HOWEVER, not having enough evidence to prove this, I IGNORED the cues, (for the time being), and continued my conversations as if they had not been given, watching for further cues, hoping I would eventually get enough of them to make a "correct and informed decision".
Are you like me, in the fact that, rather than "guess" at a social cue, even though you are most likely correct, you choose instead to try to find more "proof" that the cue is indeed what you thought it was?
Or is this just a "me" thing?
On a footnote, I am doing something I rarely do, by "guessing" that this is NOT just a "me" thing, because, from what I have read, Aspies tend to, as my wife puts it, "Have to be right".
What do you guys think?
9 comments:
For me, I both miss cues altogether or see the cues, but don't always understand what they mean. When my wife & I go out together, she often has to translate the evening back to me.
As an example, I often think something was said in jest and my wife informs it was said in sincerity or I'll think a comment was sincere and my wife will roll her eyes as if to say, "You've got to be kidding."
You just put words on something i've been experimenting for as long as i can remember, pretty much...
I do get the cues, but they confuse me and leave me wondering wether the person really meant what i think they meant... So i'll start looking for more cues and find them where there really is nothing at all, and start being paranoid...
I have Attention Deficit Disorder (diagnosed last year at age 38) and agree with the previous people who left comments. I have a BIG problem in reading social cues, so much so that I don't socialise at all because I know, after the event, I have made an idiot of myself and I can't bear the thought of doing that again. In the past a partner would also have to decipher the evening to me because I read/picked up on things that annoyed me for whatever reason. I have always had bad social cues any way due to my parents not allowing me to socialise with people of my own age, so spent a vast majority of my time on my own in my own company where such things don't exist or matter. I'm like it now at 39 years. It's hard and don't think I will get any where fast with it now. It's good to know I'm not the only person like that.
I firmly believe that if your child has a problem with reading social situations and misreading social cues, it’s a very solvable problem. In my mind, repetition and rehearsal are the key. How do you deal with the problem of not writing well? You practice writing. Teaching kids social skills is really the same thing: it takes practice, it takes rehearsal, and it takes somebody demonstrating and showing them how to do it.
I just wanted to make a statement about this comment made by this user.
childbehavior said...
"I firmly believe that if your child has a problem with reading social situations and misreading social cues, it’s a very solvable problem. In my mind, repetition and rehearsal are the key. How do you deal with the problem of not writing well? You practice writing. Teaching kids social skills is really the same thing: it takes practice, it takes rehearsal, and it takes somebody demonstrating and showing them how to do it."
First, I am sure that many of my readers might be offended by this post, I want to say that, I am a firm believer in allowing people to post their opinion, regardless of my belief or disbelief. As long as the commentator remains civil, and the comment is actually related to a post or other comment, I will post it.
Having said that, I am not sure where in my article, or any of the comments, anything was posted regarding children, but, since I do have one autistic child, we will go with his thinking on the matter.
Having had AS for 37 years now, I can state for a fact, that this "method" of which you speak, will work with very, very limited results, and even then, they will not be nearly as "satisfactory" as you might have imagined.
First, it is not "uncommon" for NT's to misread social cues. You have a term for it, its called mis-communication. Someone makes a comment, and you take it one way, when they really meant it another. You heard what they said, but the way they said it is what you got confused about.
How do you propose to teach kids who cannot do this naturally, (and you can), when you cannot even do it accurately, and by definition, you are deemed "normal"?
Another reason why I believe your methods will fail, is due to the fact that you could not possibly think of ever possible scenario in which a child might be required to read social cues. At 37 years of age, I can tell you that I too frequently run into situations that are unexpected. There is no way anyone could have ever know it was a situation I would have ran into, therefore, no way they would have know to teach me.
The other reason that I do not believe that this method would be successful, is due to the absolute fallibility of humans. I hear it everyday, when any situation occurs, "Well, what I would have done.....". We all think we know the answers. We all think its as plain as the nose on your face. The truth of the matter is, what works for one person, doesnt always work for another. NT's, (in my opinion), do not often realize the reason that this is so complicated for us, is because situations are almost always multiple choice. How to do teach someone what the right choice is, when there is almost always more than one right answer? How do you make them discern which one is the "rightest", and for that matter, what makes u an expert in saying which answer is more correct?
This brings me to my last point.
Due to the fact that people are by their very nature, different, their expressions are also different. Two people in the exact same situation will react to it very differently, and even make a totally different facial expression. Given that there are over 1,000,000,000 people on this planet, there is no way to compensate for this amount of variation, there fore, no way to make it stick.
Ineveiteblly, I see your child, not just frustrated, but even more frustrated under your method, simply because when they are faced with something you couldnt have prepared them for, or when the, "response", they give based on what you taught fails, I see them panicking because they dont know what to do, and to make matters worse, they were, "trained" and dont know what to do, increasing that frustration.
No, it's not just a 'you' thing. I have the very same problem.
I can also relate to what some of the others said about overanalyzing social situations to the point of becoming paranoid, as well as avoiding social situations because it results in making a fool of myself.
Either I miss cues altogether, or I get the cues, but either I am unsure I interpreted them correctly and am being too 'sensitive' or I merely lack the tools to know how to respond properly.
I have asked people countless questions over the years, asking them to explain for me these types of cues.
They quickly became annoyed and frustrated because usually they weren't able to explain something that was so obvious to themselves and seemingly everyone else.
Eventually they would get exasperated and say, " just ignore it, don't worry about what other people think or do.
This left me very unsatisfied. I wasn't worrying about what other people think or do.
I was merely trying to find the missing pieces to the social puzzle that would help me gain insight and learn how to fit in social situations better.
I wasn't aware this is what I was doing at the time, but now I can see it was the only way I had to try and figure out why so many social encounters ended in embarrassment or failure.
Anonymous said,
"Eventually they would get exasperated and say, " just ignore it, don't worry about what other people think or do."
Thank you for bringing up this point. I too hear comments similar to this all the time. I understand it must be very frustrating to have to try to explain something that you just, "do". What they do not understand is the frustration that we feel, and to hear something like, "Don't worry about it", or, "It's really not that important", only tends to lend to that level of frustration.
For me its it makes things even more frustrating, because, not only does it not help me learn, sometimes it makes me feel like I am not important enough to be taught, or that no one cares whether I "get stuff".
" .... sometimes it makes me feel like I am not important enough to be taught, or that no one cares whether I "get stuff". "
I'm glad you mentioned this aspect, because I think it's the very heart of the problem. This is what makes the entire situation so painful; the unspoken belief that we are not worth the effort.
It's not that you are not important enough to be taught. That person at least tried to help, which means he or she felt you were worth some effort. But they don't know how to teach you & gave up. They don't like feeling like they failed.
Remember that deep down, almost all people are very self absorbed and really don't care if someone else has a hard time. People will cause another person 3 hours of needless extra work to save themselves 5 minutes. some will inconvenience another with no benefit to themselves at all. They just don't bother to think of anyone else. Don't take it personally.
I have always had trouble with social cues, & have never felt I had a close, lasting friendship, although I try to always be fair & honest & helpful. Perhaps I have AS. Maybe we are odd because we are not erratic and irrational in the usual way. I could give so many examples of such normal behavior that I see as detrimental to society &/or one's own situation, irrational, inconsistant, etc. etc.
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