The Big, Little and In-Between Things!

It is so easy to get caught up in life and the things happening around us, that we forget to watch for things that are so important.
We tend to think that something is so small, or insignificant, that its irrelevant, or sometimes, we rely on the "bigger things" so much, that we take them for granted.
Discovering that I have Aspergers has been a, ironically, nice thing. It has opened, not just my eyes, by the eyes of those who know and love me to so many things.
The people who know and love me, now understand me in ways that they never had before, and it has made a huge difference for the better.
I know I have been very blessed with this experience, as things could have not turned out quite as well as they have so far.
Rather than understanding, I could have received pity instead. I also could have had people alienate me further.
So far, the only person whom I am aware of, that has felt pity for me, is me. Although that has past, now that I understand more about not just who and what I am, but how much of that is influenced by having AS.
So having said all that, I would like to make honorable mention to the one person who has stood by me the most. The one person who could have left and chose to stay, knowing that there would be no guarantees that there would be anything to gain by staying.
My wife.
I have never considered myself a poet. In fact, to be honest with you, if you were to ask me to sit down and write a poem, I really would have a great difficulty doing it. I dont know why, I understand the concepts of poems, and in high school, I received no less than B's in areas of poetry, but creating a poem is just something that doesn't seem to flow from me naturally. Except on rare occasions, when for some unknown reason, one will just, "hit" me.
Like this one.

EVERYTHING

She does not look at me, with condescending eyes.
She doesn't hold it against me, that I am not like other guys.
Yes, she thinks I'm strange, and sometimes weird indeed.
But in spite of all these things, she still loves me for me.
I know at times I have tried her patience, no doubt to the very end.
Yet, through it all she remains, my very closest friend.
She knows all of my weaknesses, and every fault I have.
Some of which I am sure, drives her very mad.
My wife is so important to me, for so many reasons.
Without her in my life, I would not want to last a season.
No, she isn't perfect, but its close enough to me.
My only prayer is that I can be, what she has been to me.
Everything.

A Holiday Wish!

I just wanted to wish everyone, Happiest Holidays!
I know that for many, this year has been a really rough one, with our economy being what it is.
I do hope, that in spite of all of that, you can still see the things that make your lives so rich!
My wife and I will not be buying gifts for each other this year, so that our children will have at least an average Christmas.
That is fine with us. A hard pill to swallow, yes! But we know that we will manage some how.
The important thing, is that we stick together, and go thru it, together.
We've been through many rough patches before, and we have always come out stronger in the end for it.
We are stronger than our situation, and we know it.
So for those of you, who are in similar "boats"....know that you too can be stronger than your situation. Doesn't mean things will be easier. It just means you already know that, when it all is over, your gonna be the ones on top!
And with that........
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!!!

Misreading Social Cues....are you sure?

This is actually a re-post of an article that I originally wrote on Wrongplanet.net. I wrote this before I had created this blog, and after changing my setting on Wrongplanet to link to here, I could no longer find the blog on Wrongplanet.
Anyways, I finally found it again, but it was so "hidden", i decided to re-post it for those of you who follow my blog.

Misreading social cues.....are you sure?
posted at 05:21 am on 09-15-2008

Well, I suppose it would only be appropriate to start off by saying that, I am not good with the "chitter-chatter" stuff, so I'll just get straight to the point.
I've been reading a lot since I found out about AS, and have noted that, it is the general consensus that, Aspies have problems understanding social cues.
Personally, I think this is erroneous, at least, for me it seems to be.
Not because I don't have issues with social cues, I do, but its not that I am missing them, but rather I am not receiving enough of them.
This "theory" came to be, when celebrating my wife 32nd birthday, we went out to a local restaurant with some friends. My wife's girlfriend brought a date with her. He was not aware of the fact that I have AS, or what it means to have AS.
As the course of the evening went on, during our various discourses, our friend's date, would, in my opinion, seem to mock me regarding things I said, and/or did. He was not cruel, nor do I believe his intentions were to be cruel, but rather, (and I think this might be an NT thing), an attempt on his part to feel less awkward, by using sarcasm, and "teasing humor" to set the tone of the evening.
After the evening was over I questioned my wife about this, and she confirmed he was indeed teasing me over the social cues that I "missed", but that his intentions were harmless.
At this point, I realized that, I had not missed the cues at all, as I did believed that he was teasing me. HOWEVER, not having enough evidence to prove this, I IGNORED the cues, (for the time being), and continued my conversations as if they had not been given, watching for further cues, hoping I would eventually get enough of them to make a "correct and informed decision".
Are you like me, in the fact that, rather than "guess" at a social cue, even though you are most likely correct, you choose instead to try to find more "proof" that the cue is indeed what you thought it was?
Or is this just a "me" thing?
On a footnote, I am doing something I rarely do, by "guessing" that this is NOT just a "me" thing, because, from what I have read, Aspies tend to, as my wife puts it, "Have to be right".
What do you guys think?

Ahhhh Thanksgiving...

a day in which we come together as friends and family to remind ourselves of all the things we have to be thankful for.
A day full of dread, anxiety, and trepidation. Oh how I hate this holiday. Usually.....
Normally, for Thanksgiving, we go over to my mother's, or to my wife's mothers house. We do not usually stay long, because I start getting really antsy about all the noise and people milling about. Usually 4 hours is my limit before I start feeling like something is crushing my chest.
This year, we decided to join my brother-in-law and his family and friends.
This ended up being the largest Thanksgiving dinner I can ever recall attending.
However, it didnt go off like I expected at all.
I anticipated the worst, knowing that there would be no less than 17 people there. At on point, there was actually 21 people who attended.
I figured my limit would be 2 hours max, and we would probably end up leaving sooner, because my youngest, who is also autistic, would be begging the whole time, (which would only make things worse), to go home.
Didn't happen.
We arrives at a little after 3 and didn't leave until after 9. And then, only because my wife had to be up at 5 am to go to work.
My son didn't ask one time to return home. I didnt feel out of place, and only had one, "awkward moment". It was only so because as people were go about talking with each other, about four small, "pocket groups" formed, and I was unsure of which one I should try to move to. I ended up just picking one randomly, and that ended that.
No one talked down to me, or treated me differently. No one made me feel unwelcome.
What makes this so impressive, is that these people, most of them, I barely know. None were complete strangers, but you could not say I was close to any of them, save my brother-in-law.
So what did I learn from this? What do I have to be thankful for.......I thankful because, sometimes I am wrong!

I hate this question too!

On his blog, fellow Aspergarian, Gavin Bollard posted an article about the question, "How was your day?" You can find the article he wrote here. You will also find a link there to the article that originally spawned both Gavin's article as well as my own.
I used to wondered how people knew what the appropriate response to that question is?
As I got older, I realized that most people didn't really care, it was merely a "formality".
Unfortunately, sometimes, people really do want to know. It is at this point when it really becomes an issue.
Just like in the other two articles, I see that you are asking me to provide a specific answer to an open ended question. Not only is that question vague in and of itself, but now I must deduce what type of answer you seek.
It could be you are asking about my emotion state of being, or perhaps you wish to know if I am physically doing well. Perhaps you are trying to determine my mental capabilities at the moment, and if they are up to par with my "usual" capabilities. Maybe, you are asking for a sum of the above the equations, (I really hope not, because then I am going to have to go thru my day three times to access how I am doing emotionally, mentally, and physically, and then divide them in to group of positive and negative effects, and put them on a "mental scale" to see how the balance tips so I can tell you the truth. This could take a hour depending on how many events occurred through out my day).
It seems to me, that NT's have this "magical ability" to continually keep and emotional, mental, and physical tally of events and sum them up rather efficiently.
I wish I could do that, but I cannot.
In fact, often times, I am not aware of my, "conditions", unless I am asked how my day was. Up until that point, it was just another day. But by making me reflect upon the events of the day, I realize that I had several events that caused me frustration and therefore I should be having a bad day.
At this point I become alarmed because I realize that the "type" of day that I have had, and my emotional, mental, or physical "answer", do not add up. Something clearly must be wrong, so I must search thru my day yet again to find out if I have missed something to change the way I should be feeling to how I am actually feeling.
If I cannot find something that has caused this error to occur, I become frustrated.
Upon realizing that I am feeling frustrated, I realize that how my day actually was, and how I feel is now correct, and I feel relieved, which changes my outlook back to what it was before I started having a "bad day". So once again, something is wrong, but at this point, I choose not to dwell upon it further, because I already know I will not be able to find the answer within myself, and choose to just give up and let it go, as there is currently no solution available.
To me this question is a bad one, thankfully, as I said before, I don't usually have to dwell on it to much.
Another bad question for me, is when my friend asks me, "Are you feeling ok?"
Sigh.
Here we go again.

A Step in the Right Direction?

I came across this study yesterday. Not being a clinician of any sorts, I will not do more than offer my opinions on it, rather than make some attempt to extol or deny its merits.
You can find the article here. http://www.bangor.ac.uk/news/full.php?Id=181
Having said that, I did like the direction it took.
For myself, I have always had issues with my "sleep clock". Usually I sleep roughly 4-6 hour a night. This amount of sleep hasn't ever been a problem, as it leaves me with a lot more time in a day to get things done.
It does create a problem in that I rarely sleep at night. Every attempt to get myself on a schedule that keeps me up during the day time does not last, as I usually find myself back to sleeping during the daytime within a matter of no more than three days.
From everything I have read about Asperger's, sleep is an issue with most who have AS, I do not know if everyone is afflicted in the same way as I or not, but regardless the article does make some sense. While the article does make some sense, it does not hint in anyway towards an answer to preventing AS, I am curious if anyone else thinks it could be a step in the right direction?

A Must Read!!!

I just finished reading Tony Attwood's book, "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome."
If you have, think you have, know someone who you think has, think you know someone who thinks they know someone who might know someone who is related to someones who is dating someone that might have Asperger's, or if you are currently breathing and not on life support, or in a coma, you really should read this book. (Disclaimer: I cannot be held liable for any injury sustained in repeating the above sentence 3 times real fast.)
Hmmm, I should contact Tony about getting paid to advertise..........
Anyways, I cannot tell you just how amazing this book is. The depth, the details, everything about it makes it a most wonderful "reference manual" for people who have AS, and even quite a bit of info on autism too.
He has written it in such a way that even a "normal person", (i.e; not a doctor or other genius type), can understand it easily, for the most part.
There are a few chapters that discuss the clinical aspect of things, and therefore do use some medical terminology.
It showed me so many things about myself, that I would have never thought had anything to do with AS.
It talked about issues that I dealt with as a child, that to me were what I thought to be normal.
It showed me how different my thinking was, (I always knew I thought differently, but not to this degree.)
For the first time in my life, I realize just how blind I am when it comes to social cues, and empathy issues.
All my life people have told me how weird I am, and after I got older, I asked my wife if she could tell me why I had problems keeping friends. I asked the few friends I had the same question. But no matter who I asked, no one seemed to be able to, "put a finger on it".
All they could tell me is that there is just something different about you. Sometimes they would attempt to give cause, like, "maybe how smart you are makes them feel threatened. In the end it still didnt really answer the question. Not because it didnt make sense, but because of the numbers, I guess.
You see, making friends has never been a "big" problem for me, it's keeping them.
Losing a couple because they feel threatened intellectually would make sense. Losing 97% of them after only a few weeks, or maybe months, that does not.
I never realized I had issues with empathy at all, and to be honest, I hesitate to use the word issue, simply because its misleading.
I have empathy.
If my wife, or one of my children is hurt, I do feel some level of distress, or discomfort over it. Its more about how I express empathy. That seems to be the real issue.
I am going to use an example from Tony's book to illustrate what I mean.
In the book, several children were asked a series of questions. This group was comprised of NT's and children with AS.
The first question asked was, "If you came home from school, and found your mother crying, what would you do?"
The first response from both groups of children is the same, "What's wrong?"
He then asks, "What could you do or say to make her feel better?"
I stopped reading at this point, to answer the question without knowing what the "proper answers" were.
My response was, "I would get her some tissues, leave her alone, or give her a hug depending upon the amount of sadness she was showing."
I then read the responses.
Typical children would offer words of support and/or encouragement to help cheer her up.
Children with AS preferred to offer a practical action, like getting some tea, offering tissues, talking about their, (the child's, not the mother's), special interest, or leaving her alone.
He then went on to add that occasionally, a child with AS would suggest a hug, but when asked why they would give the hug, their response was different.
Again, I stopped to formulate a response, which was, "That's what your supposed to do."
Proceeding to read on, it said, "that children with AS would usually respond with, "I dont know why, but that's what your supposed to do."
To use an NT expression, "You could have knocked me over with a feather".
Thirty six years of living, and if you would have asked me last week if my responses would be considered normal to an NT.........I most certainly would have believed so.
So again, if you really want to understand they way someone with AS thinks, or how different things might affect them, then don't hesitate, get this book.
If you only read ONE book about Asperger's, make sure that this is the one, you will not regret it.

Really confused...............

Today, hmmmm........feel very lonely today.
I don't understand why people have to see your disability in order to be your friend.
I see people in wheelchairs, those who are blind, deaf, dumb, people with downs syndrome, and other maladies, all hanging out with friends. At the mall, going to the movies, bars, etc. I see them everywhere.
Why do they rate higher than I, or is it that I rate lower than they?
You can't tell I'm different, not just by looking at me. I appear normal, is that why there is no forgiveness for my, "strange behavior"?
If I were in a wheelchair, would you excuse my "weirdness"? If I had a guide dog, would that make you more likely to be my friend?
I don't get it. I don't look like a freak, but you treat me like a freak, ostracizing me with your absence.
You make me as much of a social leper, as I do myself, like I need your help in that area.
You think my "condition" is a "disability". But if you spent time with me, you would know that its really a gift, with, admittedly, some strange side effects.
I am not contagious, you cant catch Asperger's from me, nor Autism. You cant contract my weirdness, or be infected by my "quirks". If I could, I would share my minds great ability to solve problems, or puzzles, or give you some of my ability to see the world in the ways you cannot, if you would just let me be a part of your world.
Where is my friend, the one that likes me for who I am, or in spite of what condition I may have?
Why is that so much to ask.................

I...want...my...freaking...pen...back!!!!

OK, so, I was reading another blog today about a young woman who thinks her father might have Aspergers, and she noted that her father seemed totally unemotionally vested in regards to tragic world events, but would become upset if someone moved his ashtray.
This was an eye-opener for me, as I realized, that I was that way as well.
Not the unemotionally vested part, I've always know I was like that.
No, it was the part about the ashtray, except for me, its a single ink pen I keep on my desk.
You see, for the last 10 days, I haven't been feeling, "quite myself".
I spent several days trying to figure out why I have been feeling so much "turmoil" inside.
Another blog led me to the answer on the "feelings" part of it, and I was able to connect the dots and realize the whole point of this particular article.
Today, I realized that I am upset because someone, (might even be me), has lost my ink pen.
As strange as I am sure it must sound, this ink pen is important for me.
No, there is nothing special about it, other than it writes nice. It's not expensive, it has no sentimental value, in fact, upon really thinking about it, its not even the pen itself that is important to me, although it is.
Hmmmm, this is going to be harder to explain than I thought.
OK, I say the pen is important, because I want that particular pen on my desk. But once the pen runs out of ink, I have no issues with tossing the pen in the trash and putting a different pen in its place. The new pen doesn't have to look like the old pen, or be the same type, as long as it writes nice.
It annoys me however because my family, regardless of how many times I have asked them nicely not to touch my pen, inevitably "needs to use it real quick"and now it has disappeared, and cannot be found.
You would think that this would be a simple fix, right? Replace the pen, problem solved right? Except for one thing.......there was nothing wrong with this pen!!!! It had ink! It wasn't broken. I liked it.
My wife says, "Good grief, Hun, its just a pen." Shes 100% correct, it was "just a pen". So were the 20 before it, all of which disappeared in less than 3 months. So if she realizes that its just a pen, and that in and of itself, it is so unimportant, why is it so hard for her, or my kids to leave it the freak alone, or put it back, so that it doesn't bother me when they take it????
And in fact, its not even so much that they use it, its that they don't put it back, or at least place it somewhere where I can find it. I don't care about its exact placement. I don't even care if its on my desk. I just want to know where it is, at all times, so that when I want to use my pen, I can use my pen!
I feel like I need a pen with a built in GPS system!
OK, /rant.

I guess I should introduce myself.....

Obviously, I have Asperger's Disease, no Syndrome, no, its Disorder, no.......sheesh...pick a name already!
Hmm, so what doesn't my profile tell you about me.....oh, I know, we found out I had Aspergers in Dec of this last year. So I am still learning about me, and what that all means, how it affects me. Its kinda strange, really. So many of the things, ("quirks"), that I always thought were "normal", I now attribute to my Aspergers. To me, they were never things that I would have thought were, "strange", a little silly or different, maybe, but nothing that I thought was too far out of the "norm".
Uh, what else??? Ah, something personal...kind of. I love wolves! I think I feel a kind of, "kinship" to them. Well, on a metaphorical level anyways, I have always felt like the "lone wolf".
Not sure what else I can tell you, other than keep checking back, and as I blog my life away, you'll begin to see, well, me. ;P